Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
