i was born a porn star she said
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
