I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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