I wish I could punch you in the face.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
