she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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