No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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