I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
