the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
