you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
