i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
