He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
