All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
