Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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