I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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