i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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