You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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