The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
