You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
do nipples grow back?
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