so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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