you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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