it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
