I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
