paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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