oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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