Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
