whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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