first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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