Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
BRING THE BAGELS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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