I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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