I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
