my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
