did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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