Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
