I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
