Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize