So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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