My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
