Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
