A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Pants are for mortals
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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