You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
