when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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