I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize