it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
