i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
