so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
