And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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