Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
