Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish my penis had a tongue
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
