im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
