I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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