my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
