I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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