Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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