I am in a vortex of obligation.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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