tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
