this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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