his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
