About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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