Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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