you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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