I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
not ubering you a puppy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize