I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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